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The Wily Python Show |
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CROCoDILE FIVE --------------------------
by Mark broderick
INT. - Hotel ROOM
We open on complete blackness. A phone begins to ring. It rings three times before we hear the sound of someone rolling over and then picking up the phone.
VOICE
(groggily)
Hello.
We only hear one side of the conversation.
VoICE (CONT'D)
Yeah.
(beat)
Yeah.
(beat)
Alright.
(beat)
Yeah, okay, I'll be there tonight.
(beat)
Scott, I'm going to be there tonight.
(beat)
Yeah, right after the show. I'll see you there.
(beat)
All right, bye.
We hear the sound of the phone being returned to its cradle. A few moments pass before the light is turned to reveal a drab hotel room and a man in his late thirties sitting on the bed, rubbing his eyes. He is bald with a strong-looking jaw and a cold, serpentine face. He has a well-groomed goatee and a tired but a bit amused look about him. This man is LUTHER (EDWARD NORTON).
LUTHER sits up and yawns a bit.
LUTHER
(V.O.)
When I first met Scott Weiland, I never thought I would enjoy when I finally got to kill him so much.
LUTHER stands and begins to stretch.
LUTHER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It's not often, even in my line of work, that you get to kill someone who is not only the lead singer of a shitty band like the Stone Temple Pilots, but also is just a miserable person to be around in general.
He walks over to the bathroom.
LUTHER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Maybe he was cooler back before he got cleaned up. Sometimes, heroin makes all the difference in the world in terms of making someone tolerable to hang around.
He stares at himself in the mirror.
LUTHER (v.O.) (CONT'D)
Oh well. I guess it just proves the old adage, once you befriend a rock star the only way you're ever going to get them out of your life is by shooting them.
As this voice over ends the main titles begin, superimposed over a montage of LUTHER getting ready to go to work. We see him shave, brush his teeth, get in the shower and get out, do some pull ups, get dressed, make coffee, hand roll a cigarette and then light it. The title sequence ends as he exits his hotel room.
EXT. - BACK Door to THE TOWER THEATRE in PHILADELPHIA - Night
LUTHER walks up to the back entrance into a major concert theater.
LUTHER
(V.O.)
Sneaking into concerts as a kid, I never considered the possibility that one day not only would have a way backstage but that I would also being ending the life of the guy who had just been on stage rocking.
Two bouncers look menacingly at him.
LUTHER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It's funny how things work out.
BOUNcER #1
What do you want?
LUTHER
Hi. I'm Greg. Ask Bruno about me. I'm a friend of Scott's.
BOUNCER #1
Bravo tough guy. You know the first name of Velvet Revolver's touring manager, it doesn't take a genius to figure that out. I have an internet too, ya know?
LUTHER
Really, I'm here to talk to Scott. Bruno'll know about me coming. Just go ask him.
BOUNCER #1
No no, I'm sorry but every Gaylord in the world wants to meet Scott Weiland and he just doesn't have the time for all of you. So you're gonna have to get the hell outta here.
LUTHER
I'm sorry are you assuming that I'm gay? Because that hurts my feelings.
BOUNCER #1
Look, tough guy-
LUTHER
Also, I think you might be wrong about the every Gaylord in the world wanting to meet Scott Weiland thing. As far as I know he's not Cher.
LUTHER stares at BOUNCER #1 menacingly.
BOUNCER #1
Okay smartass, I don't feel like getting my hands dirty tonight so I'm going to go in and ask but if you aren't supposed to be here you better be gone by the time I get back.
BOUNCER #1 goes into the building. LUTHER looks at BOUNCER #2. A moment passes.
LUTHER
So, I take it that you're not the talkative type.
BOUNCER #2 looks at LUTHER for a second.
BOUNCER #2
You can take it that I'm not the type to run my mouth about every goddamn thought that crosses my mind.
LUTHER
Touche.
The conversation is obviously over. LUTHER stands there, a bit awkwardly, until BOUNCER #1 comes back outside. BOUNCER #1 gives BOUNCER #2 a look.
BOUNCER #1
You can go in.
LUTHER
Thanks.
LUTHER enters the backstage of the concert.
INt. - BACKstage of Velvet Revolver Concert - coNTINUOUS
LUTHER walks into a seedy backstage area that seems to be furnished by the 1980s. Everything, most noticeably the groupies, can be dated back to the Guns 'n Roses era. LUTHER lights up a hand-rolled cigarette. He walks for a bit taking in the setting before BRUNO (CHAZZ PALMINTIERI) approaches him. BRUNO has slick shock of slimy black hair and a funny knob nose. He wears a finely tailored suit and looks as if he's well-adjusted to the role of oily touring manager.
BRUNO
Hey, you're Scott's friend right? Tony is it?
LUTHEr
Yeah, that's me.
BRUNO
Nice to meet you, I'm Bruno.
They shake hands.
LUTHER
Nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you.
Bruno
(jokingly)
Good things, I hope! Nah, bands always hate their touring manager, they treat us like zookeepers, ha!
LUTHER smiles politely.
Bruno (CONT'D)
C'mon, I'll take you into the back room over here.
They begin to walk to the back room.
BrunO (CONT'D)
The show will be over in a little bit. You hear 'em? They're kickin' ass, eh?
LUTHER
Yeah, I haven't heard Slash shred the guitar like that since- well a long time. I'll tell you that.
BRUNO
Yeah he's doing great, just the best.
They enter the back room.
INT. - Back Room - ConTINUOUS
LUTHER
That reminds me of an idea I had for a music video. Slash and Buckethead team up and just beat the living crap out of The Edge. Actually it wasn't really a music video idea it was more like, you know, a fantasy.
They sit down at a big card table.
BRUNO
You're crazy! I like it.
LUTHer
So do I.
BRUNO
So how long have you known Scott?
LUTHER
Uh, not that long. We've just really hit it off.
A massive roar from the audience is heard in the background.
BRUNO
Sounds like they just finished. They should be back here pretty soon. So how many shows you been to?
LUTHER
This is my first actually, Scott has wanted to keep me away from all this for some reason.
BRUNO
Huh. Strange.
Bruno takes out a cigar and lights it up.
The members of Velvet Revolver enter the back room. They are: Scott Weiland, Dave Kushner, Matt Sorum, Slash, and Duff McKagen.
DUFF MCKAGEN
(wildly)
Whats....goin'....on!!!!!!?
BRUNO
You were great tonight. You Slash, great, but everyone, you know, great, I think it was one of the best shows you've done this tour.
The band members begin to take seats.
Matt sorum
(sarcastically)
I'd just like to point out that I've never heard Bruno say that before.
Several people laugh as BRUNO takes out a deck of cards.
BRUNO
What can I say? You guys are great! Now who wants to play some poker.
MATT SORUM
As long as nobody invited David Lee Roth. There's nothing worse than being stuck in a game of Texas Hold 'Em with that rat bastard.
SLASH gestures to LUTHER.
SLASH
Who's this guy?
Scott WEILAND
He's a friend of mine.
LUTHER
My name's Greg. Nice to meet you.
He shakes hands with SLASH, and then Dave and Matt.
DUFF MCKAGEN
I'd shake your hand but mine is still ON FIIIIIRE!
LUTHER
Yeah. Right.
Dave KUshner
You dicks wanna play or what?
SLASh
Yeah, all right, deal me in.
Everyone is sitting at the table. SCOTT is sitting next to LUTHER who is sitting next to BRUNO. The camera shifts now to focus on SCOTT and LUTHER, the rest of the band and their conversations are now in the background.
SCOTT WEILAND
How's it goin' man?
LUTHer
Fine, just fine.
SCOTT WEILAND
Good.
LUTHER
I'd rather not pussyfoot around for too long.
SCOTT WEILAND
Yeah I know, I know. One hand?
LUTHER
I'd rather not let him get to know me too well.
SCOTT WEILAND
Yeah, yeah, it's just-
BRUNO turns to them and interrupts.
BruNo
Hey, what are you assholes talkin' about?
SCOTT WEILAND
Uh, Bruno, we were just-
LUTHER cuts him off.
LUTHER
Bruno, you've been fucking Scott's girlfriend.
BRUNO blinks and turns a color. He looks at Scott.
BRuno
What? What are you-
LUTHER
We know, we aren't accusing, we are stating a fact. You are fucking his girlfriend.
SCOTT turns to the band.
ScoTT WEILAND
Hey, guys, could you just leave the room for a little bit.
SLASH
Scott, what the-
SCOTT gives them a look
ScotT WEILAND
Seriously, just get the fuck out for a little bit, deal us out for a few rounds.
SLASH
Alright man. Whatever.
The rest of the band leaves the room. SCOTT watches them go. LUTHER hasn't taken his eyes off of BRUNO.
BRUNo
Okay, what the fuck is going on? I haven't done shit and-
ScoTT WEILAND
Bruno, I know. I know, stop denying it, it'll make all this easier.
Bruno
All this? What the fuck? I don't even know what you're-
SCOTT WEILAND
Look, I'm going to break up with her obviously...do you plan on continuing to fuck her, is what I want to know.
BRUNO
Hey can I talk? For a fucking second? Alright?
SCOTT and LUTHER look like they're ready to let him talk.
BRUNO (CONT'D)
Okay. First of all-, wait no, who the fuck are you?
LUTHER jumps out of his chair and the chair falls over.
LUTHER
Shut up! Who am I? Who the fuck am I? You fucked your boss' girlfriend! I think it's time to answer my friend's questions.
SCOTt WEILAND
Thanks, man. Bruno, I already asked you my first question and I want you to-
As he says this, LUTHER has turned and put out his cigarette on the ground and pulled from his coat a silenced pistol. He bends his knees so he is on level with SCOTT and puts the gun to the side of his head and shoots him at point blank range. All this has happened so fast, plus just the shock of seeing someone shot right in the head, that Bruno has barely moved or even screamed when LUTHER whirls around on his knees and shoots him several times in the chest and one in the neck. Within moments, it is all over. LUTHER stands and puts the silenced pistol under the limp hand of the now dead SCOTT WEILAND. He then walks over to BRUNO and takes a cigar out of the man's Armani coat. He puts it in his own coat. He leaves the back room.
INt. - BACKstage of Velvet Revolver Concert - coNTINUOUS
LUTHER walks calmly back through the backstage. None of the other band members are around. He leaves through the doors where he came in.
CuT TO:
EXT. - BACK Door to THE TOWER THEATRE - cONTINUOUS
LUTHER passes through the door. He nods at the bouncers as he leaves.
LuTHER
Good night.
He walks away from the back door, taking off the gloves he's been wearing and throwing them on the ground.
ExT. - Parking Lot of THe TOWER THEATRE - night
LUTHER surveys the people trying to get to their cars and leave.
LUTHER
(V.O.)
The massive quantities of people who have consumed incredible amounts of alcohol really make my exit strategy here a lot easier.
LUTHER passes through the throngs of people and cars and stops at an old truck with a fat guy passed out in the driver's seat.
LUTHer (CONT'D)
(V.O.)
This poor drunkard was about to escape from the crowds to safety when a bastard like me comes along.
LUTHER opens the unlocked front door of the truck. The pile of drunkenness falls out of the front seat onto the ground next to the car.
Luther (CONT'D)
Thanks.
LUTHER enters the truck.
InT. - truck - conTINUOUS
The key is already in the ignition of the truck. LUTHER turns the truck on and begins to back out of the parking spot.
LUTHEr
(V.O.)
A shame that he will wake up from that stupor with both a headache and the need for a new car.
ExT. - Parking Lot of THe TOWER THEATRE - contiNUOUS
The truck navigates its way out of the anarchy of the parking lot and onto the main road.
Int. - truck - conTINUOUS
A beeper in LUTHER's coat begins to go off. As LUTHER drives he picks up the beeper.
Close on the beeper: it reads "TIM at Holiday INN on sixth street"
LUTHER makes a turn onto another street.
EXT. - Holiday Inn on sixth street - night
LUTHER parks the truck across the street from the Holiday Inn and gets out. He crosses over to the front of the building where TIM (JASON STATHAM) is standing. He has a similar look to LUTHER, though he's more sharply dressed. They look almost as if they could be in the same gang.
Tim
(British accent)
'Ello, Luther.
It becomes clear that TIM is LUTHER'S counterpart on the other side of the Atlantic.
LUtHER
How've you been?
TIM
All right. I'm going to hail a cab.
TIM hails a cab.
LUTHEr
Glad I could be around for this.
The taxi pulls up in front of them. TIM and LUTHER get into the back.
Int. - BACKSEAT of TAXICAB - coNTINUOUS
TIM addresses the driver. He pulls out two $100 bills and shows them to the driver.
Tim
$200 to drive to a 7-11 and get out of the car for a few minutes while my associate and I discuss some things. That's all. Deal?
DRIVER
Okay man, alright.
The taxi begins to drive.
LUTHER
How long are you in the states for?
Tim
Just a week or so, I got a bit of business to take care of. Michael asked me if I could do him this favor.
LUTHER
They still got you by the balls then?
TIM
Ha fucking ha. The IRA still after your ass?
LUTHER
Former IRA goons. I think I finally got them off my back.
Tim
Watch out there, Catholics don't give up easily.
LUTHER
Yeah yeah, I'm sure you know all about it.
The taxi stops in the 7-11 parking lot and the driver gets out.
Tim
Alright then. Michael owes a favor to Miles Wheeler, who let's say ran away from his responsibilities in the New Jersey Cosa Nostra awhile back. Michael is aware that someone's planning on doing a hit on Miles so that he can't talk. Michael wants you to go warn Miles about it. He's living on a little ranch in the desert outside Tucson, Arizona with his family.
LUTHER looks contemplative.
LUTHER
How much time do I have?
TIM
Michael said that Miles needs to find out within two days and that he can get you your standard rate.
TIM hands LUTHER a piece of paper. LUTHER looks at it for a moment.
LUTHER
Okay. He'll know in under forty hours. Seeya later, Tim.
TIM
Bye.
LUTHER opens the door to the cab and exits.
EXT. - Outside 7-11 - coNTINUOUS
LUTHER leaves the taxi.
LUTHER (v.O.)
I hope you weren't under the impression that contract killer was my primary vocation. I do that on the side, more for fun than anything else. My real job is delivering things, generally important messages. It might sound a lot less glamorous, but these days people are willing to pay quite a bit to keep things secret.
LUTHER walks over to the back of the 7-11.
LUTHER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Whether they're watching out for personal enemies or the FBI, DEA, whatever, having an actual person deliver a message can be preferable to dealing with wire taps and hacking.
He walks to a bathroom in the back. He knocks on the door.
Man (O.S.)
Yeah, I'll be out in a minute.
The sound of a toilet flushing is heard followed by hands being washed. The door of the bathroom opens and before the man is able to step out, LUTHER punches him hard in the eye.
INT. - 7-11 Bathroom - coNTINUOUS
The man falls back. LUTHER enters the bathroom and kicks the guy in the stomach. LUTHER grabs him by the hair and smashes his face into the wall several times.
LUTHER
Look, I don't want to have to hurt you much further but I need to borrow your car for a bit.
LUTHER twists the guy's arm.
LUTHER (CONT'D)
I'm going to put you in the trunk of your car for awhile because I'm going to be using it. As long as you stay quiet and follow my instructions I won't have to do something mean like cut off your ear.
LUTHER twists the arm to it's breaking point.
LUTHER (CONT'D)
So we got a deal? You stay quiet and you'll get your car back in a little bit and you won't be dead. It's win-win.
MAN
(barely able to speak)
Alright, whatever, just let go of my arm!
LUTHER releases his grip.
LUTHER
Now give me your keys.
The bloodied man is in no position to argue and hands LUTHER his keys. LUTHER looks at the keys and begins to exit the bathroom.
LUTHER (CONT'D)
Follow me.
EXT. - Outside 7-11 - coNTINUOUS
LUTHER and the man exit the bathroom. The taxi, along with Tim and the driver are gone. LUTHER walks to the man's Impala. He opens the door with the key and pops the trunk.
LUTHER
Get in.
The man gets in the open trunk.
LUTHER (CONT'D)
Now I want you to remember that I'm being nice by not tying you up back here. All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and it'll all be over in a few hours.
LUTHER shuts the trunk. He locks it. He then goes to the front and gets in. He starts the car and exits the 7-11 parking lot. LUTHER drives the car away from the 7-11 and then gets on the freeway.
Int. - front seat of impala - LATEr
LUTHER (v.O.)
I have forty hours to drive to Tucson. This isn't going to be a difficulty. I might even get to stop off at the funeral of a friend of mine. Goddamn car has hardly any gas, though. Looks like we're going to have to make a stop.
ExT. - HIghway - coNTINUOUS
The Impala takes an exit.
Ext. - gas station - continUOUS
As the impala pulls off of the freeway it takes a turn and enters a gas station. LUTHER gets out of the car. He walks to the inside of the gas station.
LUTher (v.O.)
You gotta watch out for gas stations at three in the morning. Not only might you run into all sorts of fucking freaks but you also have a pretty good likelihood of having to deal with a serious dick running the place.
Int. - gAS STATION - conTINUOUS
LUTHER enters. He picks up a bag of Cheetos and brings it to the register.
LUTHEr
Good morning.
The guy behind the counter (JONAH FRIEDLANDER) barely looks up from his magazine. He is dirty, unshaven, stout and wearing a shirt that reads "I Can Only Please One Person a Day. Today's Not Your Day. Tomorrow's Not Looking Too Good Either."
LUTHER (CONT'D)
I'll take these Cheetos, a tank a gas and....
LUTHER looks around for a few moments.
LUTHER (CONT'D)
Do you have any gum?
Gas station attendant
No.
LuTHER
I'm sorry, what?
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
We don't have any gum.
The gas station attendant begins to ring up LUTHER at the register. He still is obviously much more focused on his magazine.
LUTHER
You're telling me you have absolutely no gum back there.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Nope. Sorry. We're fresh out.
LUTHER lets out a small sigh.
LUTHER (V.O.)
It's easy to be frustrated by these assholes.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Do you want a pack of cigarettes? 'Cuz we got those.
LUTHER pulls out a gun and shoots the attendant several times in the face and chest. The attendant falls forward toward the counter and LUTHER pistol whips him. We freeze on this image.
LUTHER (V.O.)
But, no. I don't sport kill. You have to hold your temper sometimes. This just isn't worth it.
JumP CUT TO:
| ©2005 Mark Broderick • Wily Python |